


In Their Stupidly Pointy Shoes

by joyster



Series: The Beauty in Imperfection [19]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Denial, F/M, Guilt, In His/Her Shoes, Jealousy, Love Triangle, Lying to yourself, Mutual Pining, One-Shot, Pining, Zutara, Zutara Month, Zutara Month 2015, katara pov, love square, or should I say Aangst, the one that got away
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-01-12
Packaged: 2019-03-03 19:45:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13348218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joyster/pseuds/joyster
Summary: She thinks that her choices are for the good of the world but what Katara refuses to admit is that he loved her so much that it scared her. She had to be the practical one - even if that made her the one to blame for her own heartache.





	In Their Stupidly Pointy Shoes

**Author's Note:**

> Written For Zutara Month 2015 (just incredibly belatedly) Day 25: In His/Her Shoes

Leaving him was one of those decisions she knew she would think about for the rest of her life. Every time she got close to him she allowed herself to be swept away in him and his smile until reality (her surprisingly pessimistic brand of it considering her hopeful reputation) would wash over her and haul her back. The way his lips curved, the rolling chuckle of his laugh… she would be consumed by her simple adoration of it all - Of him as a person and as a leader. He impressed her. He was humble and hardworking (and surprisingly optimistic considering his pessimistic reputation).  
He loved her both selfishly and selflessly. 

To his court, being with Katara would’ve been selfish. Being together would mean they’d have to prove themselves over and over again and convince a nation that it was in their best interest too. She was not a choice that would’ve been looked upon too well. It was one thing to be a revered war hero but another entirely to be their Fire Lady.  


His devotion to her though, was selfless. He wanted to see her thrive. He relished in her happiness. He took lightning for her once and she knew he wouldn’t hesitate to do it again.  


So yes, she chose Aang because the younger boy had a penchant for grudges and possessiveness that overwhelmed his sense of reason. The peace was still new and she didn’t want to risk it. Wars had been fought for less than ‘stealing’ a powerful man’s ‘forever girl’. 

She also chose Aang because she was afraid. 

Afraid of someone loving her enough to die for her... 

_Afraid of losing someone she loves because they were protecting her._

__

__

_**Afraid to be somehow to blame for the death of someone she couldn’t imagine her life without. Again. ** _

She let the fears win telling herself it was for the good of the world.  
If she could, she would have told him that it was guilt partially to blame… He would probably understand, disapprove and argue, but understand. But she couldn’t.  
She couldn’t even admit it to herself.  


\- - -

There was a ball at the Fire Palace a bit over a year after the war ended. ‘Team Avatar’ was reassembled once more.  
Mai was out of the picture, she had been for a while. While Aang was wowing the crowds and pleasing the people with his bending tricks and century lost dance moves, Katara watched a young Fire Lord inching his way towards the door, looking flustered.  


It was a lot more subtle then when she’d first gotten to know him; he was less prone to theatrics as a leader. He was fidgeting his fingers in billowing sleeves and his jaw was set with tension but his overall expression was one of polite attention. The Earth Kingdom aristocrat seemed to be satisfied enough by whatever Zuko said to him, walking away and nodding approvingly to his companion.  
Zuko went to run his fingers through his hair only to remember it was in a tight top knot. His hands were shaking slightly and she watched from across the room as he tried to escape unnoticed into the palace gardens.  


She follows, weaving her way through foreign dignitaries, her boyfriend none-the-wiser to her departure.  


She is only a few minutes behind him but he’s already disappeared into the night and she hasn’t spent nearly enough time in the palace, let alone the gardens to know her way around. The hem of her crystal blue gown grazed the slightly damp grass and practically glowed under the light of the moon.  


When she does find him it’s only because he lets her.  


“Katara?” He’d been well concealed against a wall and encased in shadow. His crown is in his hands and he looks nervous and confused.  


“Hey,” she smiles at him. It’s a smile that carries the question ‘do you want to talk about it’ and she can tell as he shakes his head that the message was understood.  


“What are you doing out here? Are you not enjoying the party? Uncle planned it.”  


“If I’m honest,” the waterbender starts, looking off at the moon, “I feel like I get lost in crowds.”  


He nods. “I do too,” she raises a brow at him and points at the metal flame in his hands, “Zuko gets lost in the crowd, people only really see and have an interest in the Fire Lord.” She places a hand on his arm and shuffles closer to him.  


“If you’re going to stay out here in the wallflower garden then we should probably keep moving.”  


“How come?”  


“Well I was hiding from my guards but that dress is hardly inconspicuous.”  


She looks down; the silk is silvery-blue and makes her look like a personified moonbeam. She crosses her arms self-consciously and he misconstrues it as insecurity.  


“You look beautiful! ...In case you were worried… I was just saying that… well you know… you stand out.” He’s blushing furiously, scratching the back of his neck and looking away. She laughs and thanks him (blushing softly as well).  


“So where can we hide, your majesty? This is your palace.”  


There is a mischievous glint in his eyes, “can you bend ice to look like a mirror?”  


They’re concealed among greenery and trees in the royal gardens. They’re just close enough to a fountain for Katara to effortlessly create walls around them. It’s a balmy night and she knows that the ice probably won’t last if she doesn’t touch them up at regular intervals but the only alternative she can think of involves climbing a tree and frankly she likes her dress too much to risk ruining it like that.  


A song that his mother loved is carried to them on the breeze and he clumsily teaches her the dance that accompanied it. They whisper secrets and stories and confide. They hide together for as long as their senses of duty will allow them to. Before they do part ways he gives her a look that she would later realise was longing. He whispers, as he catches the tired expression on her face looking at Aang doing a handstand on his air-scooter, that no one was forcing her to be with him. She saw a promise in the older boy’s eyes that neither of them was prepared to verbalise and she would proceed to be swept up in that memory and how his gaze made her feel.  


\- - -

There were a few months – when her relationship status was questionable to complicated – where there really seemed like she and Zuko would have a chance. There had been other times, moments over the years that never quite got the chance to be the right time.  


She was eighteen and after dancing around it, lying to herself and flirting for weeks she did finally kiss him. It was wonderful, wet and hot (unsurprising considering the two elements they wield), but also tender and terrifying. During this time in the Fire Nation she tries to give over to the fantasy life that he offers her. He selflessly gives himself to her, speaks words of love that she knows would be devastating for her to return (words that will continue to taunt and tease her throughout the years). She tries to forget that somewhere out in the real world, Aang was still convinced she was made for him. He believed destiny made them for each other. He joked once that the spirits froze him for 100 years because they needed all that time to make a soulmate for him as perfect and wonderful as her. She’d kissed him when he said that but had honestly found it weird and insensitive to the hundred years of suffering the world endured in his absence. She didn’t think spirits would be so harsh as to freeze the hope of the world just so he could exist in the same timeline as her.  


She also hated the idea she was _made for him_ , somehow he had made her whole existence reliant on him. And yet Aang was safe. She saw him as reliable (in the sense that she knew him and his patterns rather than in the typical sense) and sweet. There was a comfort to destiny and Aunt Wu did say she’d marry a very powerful bender and who could be more powerful than the Avatar? He wanted to see the good in the world always. She believed in him… somewhere along the line he’d convinced her that her belief also meant she had to be with him.

She had ten weeks with Zuko. A taste of the life she could’ve had if her heart was braver. He loved her but she saw the instability that being with her would cause and she would use that thought to stop herself from recognising that she had been scared. He was always a bad liar and that extended to his facial expressions. His broken expression and the single tear she witnessed haunt her.

\- - -

She watches from the sidelines of a royal wedding. Her heart hurts and in that moment there isn’t anything she wouldn’t do to be in Ezme’s shoes. Her stupidly pointy, perfect shoes that somehow make her already long legs look even longer. The Fire native looks so beautiful. So different from Katara; all long limbs, porcelain skin and long straight hair (which successfully made the intricate braids it was woven into still look manageable).  


Katara looks at his face.  


The selfish part of her wants to see just a glint of unhappiness on his face. She wants to feel like he wishes that it was her he was marrying just like she does.  


But he does look happy. He is smiling. Most importantly, the smile makes it to his mismatched eyes and he looks radiant.  


It isn’t the same as how he looked at her. She feels her stomach twist with jealousy because Ezme gets a special, private Zuko smile that’s just for her. Katara can see the promise in his eyes.  


He is promising her a life, a future and a nation.  


When Zuko smiled at Katara he looked at her very soul. He saw her true character - the good with the bad, the light with the dark – and in his eyes she knew that he loved it all. His eyes promised her his heart. Or at least they did once. The promise is different for Ezme because it is unafraid and unreserved.  


Zuko promises Ezme the world with no fear of rejection.  


When he promised it to her half the time he was already resigned to the rejection himself. As she broods, watching the happy couple enjoy each other she feels an affinity to the perpetually emotional teenage Zuko. She also understood why he continued to love her and the tear between happy and sad he must have felt when he saw her and Aang having fun together. She was a glutton for emotional punishment, consoling herself with an idea that it was for the good of everyone.  


\- - -

Katara remember the first time she met Ezme. She wanted to hate her. The moment she and Aang had arrived in the Fire Nation there had been murmurs of the Fire Lord’s new girlfriend and Zuko had awkwardly pulled her aside to tell her himself that it was true.  


“Her name is Ezme… She’s not you but since you’re not an option,” He scratches the back of his neck, he’s blushing a little, “she is a nice alternative. I really like her. Hopefully, you will too.”  
Katara hoped she didn’t.  


It was petty; especially because she had been the one to cut off their romance before it had a chance and went back to dating Aang. When she reflects on it later she hates how much she appreciates the way he reiterates it would have been her in a heartbeat.  
The following day Zuko had organised for them to all have tea out in the gardens. Ezme had been nervous and super polite but as she relaxed it became painfully obvious that she was a strong and vibrant character.  


When Aang commented later on that he’d never seen Zuko smile so much Katara defiantly thought _I have._  


He used to save all his smiles for me.  


The other girl was taller than Katara. She wasn’t as tall as Mai had been. Zuko’s final growth spurt years previous had made certain that he was still at least half a head taller than her. Katara glowered at them as she realised Ezme’s forehead was about lip height on Zuko, those little sweet forehead kisses he’d give her… it would be even easier for him to give them to this _other_ woman. It made her heart hurt.  


Ezme’s eyes were the colour of honey and toast. It was an earthier colour than Zuko’s golden irises. Katara wanted to hate those toast eyes. But they were kind eyes. She had the faintest hint of where crow’s feet will develop from smiling so much. Her hair was long and straight with no tangles or frizz, even in the humidity.  


She made Katara feel like some kind of wild thing. She stared at her reflection, all unruly curls, round cheeks and a deeper complexion totally out of place among the porcelain-skinned elites of the fire nation.  


\- - -

He confronts her about her distance with his girlfriend over tea a little later.  


“I have to start being practical. The Fire Nation is doing well, industry and trade are thriving. I have to start considering the future. Ezme is a wonderful woman; she’s got a good head for politics and cares about our people and the world. I imagine that I could start a wonderful lineage with her.”  


“ _LINEAGE?_ Spirits, things are that serious already?” She tries to play it off as a joke but there is an unhinged look in her eye and her lips can’t quite form a smirk. The expression looks more like crazed disbelief.  


“In case you hadn’t noticed Katara, I’m the Fire Lord. I also haven’t got an heir. The longer I go childless the longer there is a chance people could get my father or sister back on the throne.”  


She doesn’t say anything.  


An assassin had gotten close to actually killing him a week before Aang and Katara arrived which he’d chosen not to inform them of. He was under immense pressure to settle down. After his friends leave he’ll be proposing – less than a year after he was going to propose to Katara and only a number of months after starting his relationship with Ezme.  


“What did you think I was going to do? You made your choice Katara… I had to respect it.”  


His voice is so soft. There is a raw pain in it. She only realises she’s crying when his soft pale hand caresses her cheek and wipes the tears away. He kisses her forehead and she chokes on a sob and wraps her arms around him tightly.  


“I’ll always love you Katara. It would pain me, but you say you’re leaving him to be with me, and truly mean it, and I’d leave Ezme.”  


“I _can’t_.”  


He strokes her hair and whispers _I know, I understand, **it’s okay**_ over and over into her curls. Silently, she understands that every time this happens it's harder for him and he probably means it less. She hates that in spite of knowing what she wants all this time - it is entirely her fault that she doesn't have it. What's worse is she knows every time she is hurting him but somehow he is the one comforting her not the other way around. Eventually, she stops crying, her eyes are bloodshot and there is snot running down her face. He looks at her like she’s beautiful and wipes her face with his expensive silk sleeve. In that second she imagines him as a father; a doting, attentive and wonderful father. Her heart explodes with love for him and she hopes he can see it because she has never been able to actually tell him she loves him like that…  


“You know, you and her are really alike in many ways.” Katara snorts unattractively and he smiles as if it’s endearing. “Seriously, you’d probably be really good friends,” he looks at the young woman’s expression, her arched brow makes him laugh and he kisses her on the forehead again “…in another life, perhaps.”  


\- - -

Katara would afford him this. As the years pass and she gets to know Ezme better, from something of a distance, she realises that they are similar. They have a conversation after the wedding.  
Katara is still unengaged and mourning the death of a bachelor in the gardens outside the ballroom when she was followed out by the bride. Her mostly white gown glows in the moonlight while Katara’s midnight blue gown almost lets her sink into the shadows.

“Can we take a walk?” 

“I can’t very well say no to the new Fire Lady on the first day of her reign.” 

Ezme’s eyes narrow slightly and she looks vaguely exasperated. “Do I really need the title for you to be able to respect me?”

“No, do I respect you! It’s just… nothing… I just don’t feel like walking.” Katara can’t look her in the eye. She toys with the grass with her foot. 

“As my first act as Fire Lady, I demand you take a walk with me,” she speaks with cool confidence rather than haughtiness and Katara doesn’t argue. She curls her arm around Katara’s and guides her into the garden to the same secluded section she and Zuko had hidden in all those years ago. 

“I used to wonder why we were never friends.” Katara goes to refute it but realises that she owes this woman more than lies. “I realised why about a year and a half ago. On Ember Island I saw the way you looked at him and he looked at you… I knew you loved each other.” They’re both quiet for a moment. 

“I’m sorry.”

“No. You’re not.” Ezme is looking up at the moon, hard resolve to her features. “That’s okay too. You know him. I know him; I can’t blame you for loving him when I’m guilty of the same crime.”  
“You could… I suppose I did…blame you - that is… I never tried to become friends with you.” 

Ezme looks bashful for a moment, “I’ll be honest. I kind of hated you for a while.”

Katara, despite herself, laughs “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

“That scar on his chest… For the longest time it made me feel sick. It was an ever-present reminder of the other woman he loved; that other woman that I could never quite compete with.”  
Another wave of guilt washes over Katara. 

“But I realised… that scar is a symbol of the kind of man he is. Good to a fault. I loved him too much to let him go. Is it selfish of me to stay with him, knowing that I wasn’t his first choice or is it just pathetic?”  


She looks at Katara, who thought the question was rhetorical until the silence stretches a little too long. 

“You’re not pathetic Ezme.” She lets out a shuddering breath, “You’re good for him.” It feels like she’s twisting the knife herself now but she knows it’s true. 

“Thank you. It means a lot that you see that too.” The new Fire Lady plays with the fine stitching on her sleeve, “You toyed with his heart a lot, Katara.” Another gut punch, “He deserves so much more than games.”

“You’re right.”

The women stand in silence for a while. It begins strained but gradually becomes less tense. They watch the moon together and Katara silently thanks Yue for the strength not to cry. There is a particularly chilly breeze and Ezme shivers slightly. 

“Let’s head in, I’ve kept you from your husband too long.” 

The older woman smiles softly and Katara returns it with a warmth she is surprised by. They walk back inside in amicable silence. The moment they step inside Katara locks eyes with Zuko. His eyes quiver for a second before he looks at Ezme – in one piece and smiling coyly at him – and relaxes. Katara places a hand on her companion’s arm as she starts to go to him. 

“Hey, I’m glad he found you.” 

She smiles brilliantly, “I thank the spirits that he did.” 

Ezme walked away towards her husband and Katara feels overwhelmed with regrets and self-pity. But he looks so happy and she chose this for herself. She hopes he knows that this is what she wants for him and how she has always felt. She hopes he doesn’t hate her – even though she knows he doesn’t. She feels that she deserves hatred. Feeling a little weak she sinks into a nearby seat at an empty table. Her heart aches and she reminds herself that it's all for the best - _all for the good of the world_ \- and it'll get better with time. 

She hopes that one day she won’t desperately want to be in their - stupidly pointy, shoes.

**Author's Note:**

> I was considering extending this (there are actually two lines that I was planning on going to)  
> I was possibly going to look at Katara when she helped with the birth of Izumi, maybe a bit of the awkward conversations between her and Zuko when they're both married etc. but I wasn't sure.  
> Earlier than that idea was a flashforward essentially having a major tragedy strike (explaining the absence of a Mrs Zuko in Korra...) that was just going to be a painful guilt trip for my favourite Fire Lord... but I thought it was a little too mean (let me know if you want it though).  
> This will be the last instalment of this universe that I've planned for anyway (The Zuko-centric and Aang-centric ones round it into a nice trilogy I think).  
> I hope they aren't too OOC... 
> 
> I hope you have enjoyed this one and thanks for reading xx


End file.
